


Needing Hope

by ConjureUpaSmile



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - no superpowers, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, But Not Actual Cheating, Dark, F/M, Fem!Tony, Female Tony, Home From War, Minor Character Death, Misunderstandings, Slight mentions of PTSD, War, perceived cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 13:18:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4566042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConjureUpaSmile/pseuds/ConjureUpaSmile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Acclimating to being home hadn’t been easy.  To make matters worse, Steve’s last tour had kept him away for nearly 24 months.  The music was different.  The movies were different.  Even the clothes were different from when he had shipped off to serve his country.  </p>
<p>Not only was he expected to stop looking over his shoulder and checking around corners, but he was expected to jump right in with the culture.  Not to mention he was supposed to pretend like he hadn’t seen all the gore, the evil, the despair.  He was supposed to pretend like he wasn’t a weapon that had taken countless lives."</p>
<p>Steve comes home from war and tries to adjust to life away from the battlefield.  Meeting Toni and making friends definitely makes it easier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Needing Hope

**Author's Note:**

> Admittedly, I've written this story more for me than anyone else. If it doesn't get a good reception from AO3, that's okay. I did have some feedback on my last story (Under Your Skin) that my Steve was OOC. I tried to get him a little closer to how he's supposed to be, but I just like my Steve angsty and broken from war.
> 
> That being said, PTSD isn't specifically mentioned in this story, but it's alluded to as well as some survivor's guilt and general hurt from being in war. I tried to do justice to those in the armed forces and I sincerely apologize if I portrayed it wrong or offend anyone. I don't take it lightly by any means. I personally have never been in the military, but I have many loved ones that have served or are currently serving.
> 
> Anyway, I hope that there are people that like the story. My next one will be happier, I promise. *un-beta'ed*

Acclimating to being home hadn’t been easy. To make matters worse, Steve’s last tour had kept him away for nearly 24 months. The music was different. The movies were different. Even the clothes were different from when he had shipped off to serve his country. 

Not only was he expected to stop looking over his shoulder and checking around corners, but he was expected to jump right in with the culture. Not to mention he was supposed to pretend like he hadn’t seen all the gore, the evil, the despair. He was supposed to pretend like he wasn’t a weapon that had taken countless lives. 

Second Lieutenant Simo Hayha of the Finnish Army had 505 confirmed sniper kills, not including over 200 confirmed kills with a machine gun.

Gunnery Sergeant Carlos Norman Hathcock of the the United States Marines had 93 confirmed kills with the longest one coming at 2,500 yards.

Chief Petty Officer Chris Kyle, a US Navy Seal whom Steve had been told had been the subject of a recent movie, had 160 confirmed kills.

Steve Rogers would never go down in history as a war hero since, as far as the United States government was concerned, he didn’t exist. High level special ops don’t have names, they don’t have confirmed kills, and they certainly don’t get recorded.

Well, at least not anywhere the public will ever see. 

Natasha had been trying to help him readjust. They had met on a mission even though the defected Russian only ever dabbled in military missions. Natasha Romanov’s specialty was espionage. Steve wasn’t sure whether that made her particularly good at transitioning between work and leisure or if it just made her appear good at it, but he was thankful for her company regardless.

He appreciated the help. He really did. Just, sometimes, Natasha could be pushy. It didn’t help Steve’s cause that Natasha’s long time partner always sided with the red head. 

Clint Barton was a little more warrior than espionage, but he also seemed to slide through life with a grace that Steve was sure he would never achieve. Barton was also a skilled archer, which often times gave him a unique element of surprise. Perhaps the most surprising thing about Clint, however, was his ability to keep a somewhat optimistic outlook on life. As if everything were part of some huge joke. 

It wasn’t the first time they had been to the Am Vets post near Fort Meade. Clint and Natasha had started making a habit of taking Steve there, perhaps in hopes that he would meet a crusty old war veteran that would tell him that life goes on, he guessed. Unfortunately there had been no such luck. Several Vietnam vets were regulars. Sometimes men stationed at the base or their significant others would stop by. Otherwise the post stayed pretty quiet.

Pepper, the bar tender, was always good company. She was bright and stern and a mother to everyone who entered and Steve thought that she was exactly what that post needed. Her smile could warm even the hardest heart, but she was just tough enough that everyone respected her as as much as they loved her. 

Steve waved to her as he walked in and followed Clint and Natasha to their regular booth. He pretended to read through the menu even though he knew he was getting the Thursday Special and listened to the half banter between the two spies.

“We could, just like Kiev,--“

“Possibly. But don’t you remember Cairo?”

“True, but what if—“

“Could be—“

“I agree.”

“Oh yeah, me too.” Steve joined from behind his menu with only a hint of sass.

Natasha pursed her lips and Clint let out a bark of laughter.

“Sorry, Cap,” Clint tried.

“Stop. It’s Steve here.” Steve reminded the archer for what had to have been the bazillionth time.

“Whoever you are,” Clint started again with a grin, “We’re sorry. We forget sometimes.”

“Better not let it happen again,” Steve replied with a raised eyebrow, causing Clint to chuckle again. Not everyone got his dry sense of humor, but the two spies had been around him long enough to know not to take him too seriously. It felt good to have friends he could joke with.

Yeah, friends. They were friends, weren’t they? The realization made Steve feel a little more human.

Darcy never made it to their table to take their orders, but soon she was bringing over hot plates of food.

“Hey, heroes! Pep said she knew what you guys would want, so I just went ahead and placed your orders!” The young girl informed them as she slid the plates down in front of them. Sure enough Steve got a Thursday Special. He smiled earnestly at the teenager, causing her to get frazzled and excuse herself.

“She’s cute, Steve,” Natasha tried.

Clint choked on the french fries he was shoveling into his face, apparently sharing Steve’s sentiment.

“Seriously, Nat? I’m not sure she’s even 18.” Steve was used to her matchmaker game by now, so this was no surprise.

“And what are you? 19?” 

“You know full and well that I’m 26.” 

“Quick,” Clint chimed in, “what’s half your age plus seven?”

“It’s 20,” Steve couldn’t hold back his shit eating grin any longer, “which makes Ms. Darcy a hard pass.”

Natasha only raised her eyebrow in response. Oh no. This must be all part of the game. That was the point that he was sure that she had caught him staring.

She was a slight brunette and she sat at the bar almost every Thursday. She would always doodle on napkins, chat with Pepper, and nurse a beer. Steve was particularly taken by the way she would run her fingers through her hair and chew on her pen as she got lost in whatever she was writing on the napkins. Obviously Natasha had noticed him noticing. A tactician like Steve could always tell when he was being led into a trap.

“No. Nat? No. I’m not going to talk to her.” Steve warned.

“Alright, Steve, I get it. No Darcy.” Natasha pretended like she didn’t know that Steve had seen through her ploy.

“You and I both know that we’re not talking about Darcy anymore.”

“Who?” Clint swung his head around, mortifying Steve at just how unsubtle he could be for being such a well respected spy. Clint brushed off Steve’s attempts to get him to sit back in the booth. “Oh! You mean that hot chick that sits at the bar? Yeah, Steve! You should totally go for it!”

“Could you please keep your voice down?” Steve hissed, praying that she hadn’t overheard his loud mouthed friend, “I’m sure that both of you have already noticed as I have that she’s wearing rings. I’m NOT going to go talk to her.”

“No one said you had to take her home, Cap -- Steve! – Sorry, Steve. Just go say hi. Think of it as practice for talking to someone who is available. I know that you haven’t had a date since…well, you know,” Clint said as he went back to eating an ungodly amount of chili cheese fries. 

“Here,” Natasha reached into her pocket. “Go get all of us beers. Just say hello, practice talking to a female that isn’t one of your soldiers, and then bring back our drinks.”

Looking back and forth between the spies, Steve knew that this wasn’t going to be a battle he was going to win. It was either take this loss now, or lose the entire war. He sighed and snatched the bill out of Natasha’s outstretched hand, removing himself from the booth that was just a smidgen too small for his bulky form. 

Of course Clint had to wolf whistle as he walked to the bar. Oh, the archer was going to pay for that. Steve could feel the tips of his ears burning despite his best attempts to quell his blush. 

“Hey, Pepper,” Steve called out to get the bartender’s attention.

“What can I do for you, Steve?” The redhead smiled at him.

“Can I get three of whatever you have on tap, please?”

“Sure thing! Just give me a minute to put in these orders.”

“No rush,” Steve assured her.

He leaned on the bar, trying not to appear too uncomfortable or too intimidating. His size tended to make most people nervous. Apparently the pretty brunette was too wrapped up in what she was writing on the napkins to notice that he was standing right next to her.

“How are you today?” Steve tried, but she didn’t look up. “Um…hello?” Still no response. Maybe she was deaf? He leaned in a bit and looked at what she was writing. Huh, it was…equations? Schematics? Steve thought he might as well try again.

“So, what’s that? Are you…building something?” That seemed to get her attention. The woman sat up straight, blinking owlishly at him as if she had forgotten where she was.

“Yeah, well, it’s a little more than ‘something.’ It’s more like an energy source. You know, clean energy, blah, blah, blah.” The brunette responded.

“Oh! Well, that’s cool! Oh, look! There are my drinks! Thank you, Pepper. I guess I’ll just be going back to my…friends…shit.” Steve tried to make a break for it only to find that his previously occupied booth was empty. Darcy was wiping the table with one hand and balancing his plate on the other.

The pretty brunette gave him a big smile that made his stomach flop. “Aren’t you a little old for imaginary friends?”

Steve just shook his head in disbelief. “I swear, they were right there.”

“Wait! Don’t tell me!” The brunette was enjoying this way too much. “Do you see dead people?”

“No, but I do see an asshole,” Steve responded, staring straight at the young woman that was cackling beside him. 

“Did you really just call me an asshole?” The brunette asked incredulously.

“If the shoe fits, princess,” Steve responded, just making her laugh harder.

“Fine! Fine! Sit your ass down,” she managed to get out. “Toni, by the way. Short for Antonia, but don’t you dare call me that.”

“Steve Rogers. And I appreciate it,” Steve responded as Darcy brought his plate over. “So, what do you do for a living, Toni?”

“Be brilliant,” Toni responded, her eyes dancing. “Okay, fine. I’m an engineer. Mostly I help design weapons for the military, but I’ve had some different ideas recently. I guess I don’t have to ask what you do.” Toni’s attention shifted back to her napkin and she began scribbling again.

“Probably not,” Steve agreed. He noticed the extra beer sitting by Toni’s elbow for the first time. “Oh, is, uh, someone joining you later?”

Toni didn’t look up to respond. “My husband. He was deployed to Afghanistan 15 months ago. We used to come here every Thursday, so I just figured I’d keep the tradition alive.”

“That’s really nice,” Steve replied honestly. The woman next to him just shrugged. He’d never had anyone back home to wait for him. “I hope he doesn’t mind if I eat dinner in your proximity.”

“Nah,” Toni gave him a smile as she answered Steve, “I’m sure he’d like you, Captain America.”

Steve’s stomach gave out. He carefully set down his beer, trying to keep his hand from shaking. “How…you...uh…?” It wasn’t even a complete sentence, but somehow it appeared that she knew what he was trying to ask.

“I have a pretty high security clearance,” Toni replied with a wink, “and my computer skills are even higher.” 

“Well I’m sure that you must be fun at parties,” Steve took another long gulp of beer hoping to soothe his nerves even though he knew the alcohol wouldn’t touch his tolerance.

“You have no idea, Captain.” She winked again and Steve thought wryly that she was going to have to cut that out.

“Please, it’s Steve. Captain America doesn’t exist here.” And this was why Steve didn’t have friends. To those he encountered in the field, he was a living legend. He was feared and unapproachable. To those he met at home, he was jumpy and moody. Civilians were probably just as uneasy around him as soldiers. Well, tonight had been an exercise in futility. It must be time to call it.

“Thank you for letting me enjoy your company tonight, Toni. I’m afraid it’s getting late. Please give your husband my regards.” Steve started moving away from the bar before the lady next to him had a chance to respond.

“No! Steve! Wait! Please! I’m sorry!” Toni was scrambling off her stool after him, thwarting Steve’s plan for an easy exit. “Fuck! Pep, I’ll be right back! Watch my stuff!”

She managed to cut him off in the parking lot, unfortunately for Steve. Sure, he hadn’t been running, but he had been moving pretty fast. The only reason she managed to head him off was her distinct lack of discretion. 

“Toni.”

“Steve, look, you were right from the start. I am an asshole. I lack a filter. I think that if you get to know me well enough you’ll learn to find it endearing. Wait, are you rolling your eyes? Does everyone know how sassy you are?” Toni was giving him an incredulous look that drew a small smile out of the soldier.

“Only the chosen few,” He assured.

“Great, then I’m honored. Truly touched! Just please give me the chance to make up for being a complete dick.” Steve raised his eyebrows, but Toni continued on undeterred. “Let me buy you dinner tomorrow. It’s the least I can do after ruining your dinner tonight. Plus, James would kill me if he knew I offended you.” 

Steve looked off into the night sky. The vastness always seemed to center him. Finally he nodded. 

“Yeah. Aright.” Steve agreed. Toni gave him an ear to ear grin, but Steve wasn’t giving in without throwing at least one wrench into her plans. “As long as I can bring my friends,” Steve told the beaming brunette.

“Sure! Sure! Of course!” Toni threw her hands up in appeasement. “The more the merrier!” 

“Aright. Tomorrow, then.” And with a nod Toni stepped aside to let the blonde man pass.

“Goodnight, Steve,” Toni called after him. Steve just lifted a hand without turning around. 

 

“You want us to chaperone your date?” Clint asked with raised eyebrows and a smirk.

“No, I want you to chaperone my dinner with a married lady,” Steve clarified.

“C’mon, Clint,” Natasha pipped in, “it’s sweet, really.” 

“Not sweet,” Steve tried again, “Gentlemanly. Plus you two owe me after you ditched me last night and I ended up having to walk back to my apartment.”

The spies exchanged a meaningful look before nodding.

“Good. That’s what I thought.” 

 

 

Toni was at the bar again when they arrived at the Am Vets post. She seemed to be deep in conversation with Pepper, but as she noticed the trio enter she nodded quickly to the redhead, leaned in and the ladies kissed each others’ cheeks before Toni grabbed her scotch and her beer and followed Clint, Natasha, and Steve to their usual booth.

Steve made sure to slide in next to Clint, forcing Natasha to sit next to the mouthy brunette. “Hey, Toni,” Steve welcomed. “How are you?”

“Fine, fine, Spangles,” Toni replied, waving her hand dismissively in front of her face. “I hope you guy like wings. I went ahead and placed an order. 

“Nuclear?” Clint asked, hopefully. 

“Is there any other way to order them?” Toni replied as she raised a eyebrow and her glass toward the archer.

Steve just sighed. The way Clint liked his wings made them practically inedible. They were all heat and no taste. “I’m guessing you love indigestion as much as Clint here?” Steve prodded the young woman.

“Excuse me, Rogers,” Toni responded, “I wasn’t aware that your testicles hadn’t dropped yet. Or are you just anatomically female?”

Apparently no one had been expecting the engineer to be such a spitfire because Clint was laughing so hard he was at risk of vomiting and Natasha had just regurgitated beer through her nose. Steve could avoid laughing, either, although he hoped that Natasha’s nose was burning from the carbonated beverage. 

“I’m sorry, I am,” Toni started, “I promised I would be on my best behavior tonight. Old habits just die hard, right? And now I’ve embarrassed you in front of your friends here...Clint, was it? And…” she offered, looking over at the redheaded spy.

“Natasha,” Steve finished as the Russian tried to regain her composure. “I apologize. It was rude of me to not give introductions. Toni, meet Clint and Natasha. Clint and Natasha, meet Toni.”

“Nice to meet you,” Natasha finally offered.

“Yes,” Toni grinned, “I’m sure it is.” Yep, Steve thought, this one was going to be a handful. 

He really shouldn’t have been so surprised at how well the three of them hit it off. Toni was a breath of fresh air compared to the seriousness of their day jobs. Soon Toni and Clint were bantering back and forth with light hearted jabs and the two ladies were bonding over where to get their hair done. 

It was comfortable.

And that’s how “family dinner” was born. 

They agreed to meet the following week and Toni ended up bringing a work friend, Bruce. When down-on-his-luck vet started frequenting the post a couple weeks later, they welcomed Thor into their band of misfits. 

It was easy and it was fun and deep down Steve knew it would never last. It was just a matter of time before he or the spies were called out again. Toni’s husband, James, would come home and she would return to her normal life. Bruce was trying to get transferred out to some remote base on the other side of the world. Thor would stop running from his demons and head home to his family. Their family was just a time bomb.

But maybe Bruce wouldn’t leave and Thor would settle down with that physicist Toni had brought around that one night. Maybe Clint and Natasha wouldn’t be away for too long. Maybe Steve’s country wouldn’t need him like it had before. Maybe James would come home and join their merry band. 

It almost hurt to let himself imagine that they could all stay a unit because Steve had seen too much to know that the world didn’t work that way.

One morning Nat was just gone. Clint acted like he didn’t know anything about it, but Steve was sure that she had at least given him a goodbye. The archer was grumpy for the next week and then he was gone, too. 

Thor was next. He got a phone call from his father and just like that he packed up and left, promising Jane that he would return.

Bruce didn’t get a transfer, but he was allowed a sabbatical. 

Then it was just Steve and Toni. 

 

It made Steve’s stomach knot up, heading to the Am Vets post for their first family dinner since Bruce left. One of these days he was going to show up and she would be gone, too. That’s how this worked. Even worse, one day she may show up and he’d have vanished as Clint and Natasha had – without a word and leaving no trace of having ever been there. 

Steve couldn’t bear to think of Toni sitting at their booth, patiently waiting alone with that extra beer that she would never drink, waiting for people that may never come back.

Maybe it would be better to part ways now. Actually, deep down Steve knew that cutting ties would definitely be the best course of action, but he would never be able to look into those large, brown, doe eyes and tell her something he knew would make her sad. For a moment he paused at the doors, watching her scribble on napkins as she always did. No, he would keep her company until James came home. 

“Hey, Steve!” Toni shouted as he entered, “What’s the hapy hap, Cap?”

Steve just rolled his eyes. “Oh, you know, just saving the world one day at a time. How about you?”

“Same old, same old!” Toni’s usual smile was plastered on, but she had deep circles under her eyes and she was lacking her usual spark.

“Deadline coming up?” Steve asked as he slid into the seat across from her.

“Huh?” Toni seemed confused.

“You haven’t been sleeping.” 

“Oh, uh, yeah. There’s a deadline. A big one.” She offered, but Steve recognized an excuse when he heard one.

“So what is it that you’re having to turn in?” Steve questioned.

“Um, it’s this…body armor. Yep. Body armor. No, really. It’s going to shoot lasers and…fly.” 

“And fly…” Steve repeated, thoughtfully. “That sounds amazing, Toni. I’m so glad that you’re on our side. We’d never win the war without you,” He added, completely deadpan.

Toni studied him a moment before responding. “Damnit. You’re not buying any of it, are you?” 

“Not a word.” Steve confirmed. “Of course, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Toni just nodded slowly, if not suspiciously, but then Darcy came to take their orders. Steve mercifully changed the topic to the Dodgers and Toni made a show of gagging at his fanboying, allowing them to resume their usual glib. 

Dinner passed way too quickly, as it always did when was in Toni’s company, and it came time to call it a night. Pepper shooed the pair out as she attempted to close up at a reasonable time and get home to her own family. Steve paused and, for once, Toni didn’t seem to be in a hurry to rush off either.

“Hey, so, tonight was fun. I know I truly am spectacular company and I wouldn’t want to deprive you of such…so…how about tomorrow?” Toni asked, shuffling the parking lot gravel beneath her feet.

“Yeah,” Steve set his jaw, “I could do that.”

“Right. See you tomorrow!” Toni bounded off quickly, as if she were afraid Steve would change his mind if she stayed any longer.

So they met up the next night, Toni appearing even wearier than she had the night before. The evening after, Steve wasn’t sure how she even standing. The following evening, Toni’s appearance was definitely concerning. 

“Alright, Toni,” Steve finally broke, “You don’t have to talk to me, but you definitely have to talk to someone.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Rogers,” Toni replied, staring up at the ceiling. 

“Yes, you do. But just in case you’re so sleep deprived that actually don’t know, I’m talking about how if those circles under your eyes get any darker, Pepper is going to shoo you out of here with a broom thinking that you’re a wayward raccoon.”

Toni chuckled, but her eyes never shook the sadness that had consumed them the last few nights. Still, she didn’t respond.

“Toni,” Steve pressed on, “Please. I hate seeing you like this. I…I care about you. Let me take care of you.” 

That must have been the wrong thing to say because the fiery brunette shut down completely.

“I don’t need to be taken care of. I’m fine. I don’t need you.” Her tone was cold but her voice had started to falter.

“Well, maybe I need you, then.” Steve tried. It was so close to the truth that it hurt to say. 

The young woman just stared at him for what seemed like forever before she stood up and raced out the door. Steve reached into his pocket and dumped whatever cash he had on the table, hoping it was enough to keep Pepper and Darcy from getting mad at him, and ran after her. 

Apparently she hadn’t gotten very far because Steve nearly tripped over her as he hurried outside. Toni had collapsed in on herself on the sidewalk just feet away from the door. Steve was definitely relieved that she wasn’t crying, but it was hard to imagine that he could feel more uncomfortable. Setting his large 6’5” form down on the sidewalk next to the small lady, Steve scrunched down to make himself as small as possible. 

They must look ridiculous. Steve sat uncomfortably, waving awkwardly to several patrons as they left, as time crept along slowly.

They sat there in silence until Pepper nearly tripped over them as she came outside to lock up. Steve assured the motherly strawberry blonde that they were just fine and would leave shortly.

Finally Steve took a deep breath.

“Her name was Peggy,” he tried. “Agent Carter to most people, of course. We met when I was just a PFC. She probably wasn’t the first person to see potential in me, but she was definitely one of the first.”

“Again, high security clearance. I know all this,” Toni interjected. “Why are you telling me all this?”

“I fell in love with her,” Steve continued. “I really don’t think that I would have become the special forces operative they call Captain America without her.” 

Steve paused, but it was too late to stop now.

“You would have liked her. She was so full of moxie. I once saw her punch a recruit right in the jaw,” Steve chuckled, “I’m pretty sure that’s when I knew that she was the one. 

“Jesus Christ, you’re such an old geezer! Who uses words like ‘moxie’ anyway?”

Steve just ignored Toni’s outburst and trudged on. “She risked everything so that I could complete the mission. She knew that all of this was bigger than her. Bigger than us. I think that she truly believed that I was the key to ending the war.”

A lump caught in Steve’s throat and he struggled to swallow it down before continuing.

“She went after me…when I put that plane down in the arctic – Yes, I know that you already know all this, Toni. Just shut up and let me finish – She went after me. We had never even been on a date. Still, I believed that I could have built a life with her. Sometimes I hope that she believed that, too. That maybe that’s why she went after me.”

He had never allowed the tears to come before, so he wasn’t sure why they were threatening to leak out now.

“When I woke up from the coma, she was already…she had already…well, she wasn’t as lucky as I was.”

He vaguely felt Toni lean into his side and wrap her arm around his waist. Maybe just this time he’d allow himself to pull her closer to him. For just this moment he could enjoy her head on his shoulder.

“That was four years ago,” Steve added. “I kept on so that Peggy and everyone else who died so that I could live on wouldn’t have died in vain. I don’t think that I’ve done a very good job of that, though. Now I’m just a weapon. They send me in, I kill who I’m supposed to kill, and they get me out.”

“Steve,” Toni’s voice was soft but chiding. 

“Don’t,” he cut her off. “I am a weapon. I’m not perfect, either. I still hurt and the military makes me talk to someone about it. Still, it’s nice to have someone that you can talk to because you want to, not because you have to. Someone who will just listen and care about you.”

It was starting to get late and Steve suddenly remembered himself. Pulling out of Toni’s embrace, the soldier stood.

“James is a lucky guy,” Steve stated before he walked off into the night. He wasn’t ready to go home, but he couldn’t stay there, either. 

 

Toni wasn’t at the post the next few nights, but when she did return she appeared more rested. They somehow managed to not talk about everything Steve had told her that night in the parking lot, which Steve wasn’t sure made it worse or better. Still, he was glad to be able to spend time with her nonetheless. 

They started a new tradition of sitting outside talking after dinner. Usually it wasn’t about anything in particular. Sometimes they talked about Toni’s latest project or Steve’s Dodger obsession. Other times they talked about people that never came home. 

And sometimes Toni rested her head on Steve’s shoulder and he tried not to think about how it made him feel more human than he had felt in four years. 

“-- and then,” Toni choked on a laugh, trying to get to words out, “he said – he said – ‘That’s not a banana, sir!’”

“No way!” Steve said once his own laughter had died down enough for him to talk. “To the General? I can’t believe it! That has to be made up!”

“No, no!” Toni assured, “It’s completely true!”

“I had no idea that your father worked on the Manhattan Project! That’s amazing.”

“I guess,” Toni shrugged. “He wasn’t exactly humble about it. Still, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have gotten this job without his last name, so I can’t be too bitter about it.”

“I don’t know about that,” Steve argued. “You’ve got to be the smartest person I know.”

Just then Steve felt a warmth brush against his fingers. He yanked his hand away and looked down to see what had touched him. Stomach dropping, he realized that Toni’s hand was the only object near where his hand had been.

Steve looked up to meet Toni’s mortified gaze. 

“I’m…I’m…Shit! I’m sorry!” Toni stammered, but Steve was already on his feet. “Shit! Shit! Just…Steve, please! Hear me out!”

To say Steve was upset was an understatement. He had more than enjoyed Toni’s company these past few months. When he was around her things just made sense, the world didn’t seem like such a cold place. She brought light to all the dark places in Steve’s soul.

Alright, so that might be a bit dramatic, but Steve was very upset. Toni had just ruined everything. He had known from the beginning that all Toni could never be anything more than his friend. Now that she had shown that she might feel the same way he did, they could never go back. He had to end this now.

“No, Toni, I can’t.” Steve told her. “This is wrong. You’re married. No. Just…no.”

“I…fuck! It’s complicated!” Toni reached for Steve, but he backed up out of her reach.

“I’m not going to be that guy, Toni,” he said shaking his head. “Goodbye.”

“I think you should meet James!” Toni blurted out. “Please,” she added.

“What?” Steve was shocked. “He’s home? And you’re here? This is so messed up! Why are you doing this?”

“I think you’d understand,” Toni said carefully, “if you’d just meet him.”

Steve wasn’t a swinger. He wasn’t a cheater. Marriage was sacred. He thought about saying all these things to the small brunette, but there was something about the way she was asking that made him believe that maybe…maybe he should meet the man.

He was stubbornly silent in Toni’s car despite her initial attempts to make conversation. She had blathered on with false light heartedness for the first ten minutes or so before falling into the same uncomfortable, anxious silence the Steve had taken up. 

When they pulled up to their destination, Steve finally understood.

Toni didn’t say anything as she exited her vehicle and Steve followed her lead, falling into step next to her as they made their way across the grass.

Eventually Toni stopped.

“Hey, baby,” she said quietly. “I’m back. I know I haven’t come by these last few days. I’ve felt terrible about it, but I was trying to follow your advice.”

Toni swallowed and then continued on, her voice thick. “I brought him here with me tonight, Rhodey. This is Steve Rogers. I know you’ve always admired him. Wouldn’t you know it? He’s actually as amazing as you said he must be.”

The headstone read Col. James Rhodes. Steve had heard about his heroics. They had said that the colonel had saved nearly 100 men and women during an attack. They had said that he had gone down swinging, brave to the very end. 

Steve saluted. “It’s an honor to meet you, sir.”

Toni finally broke, letting the tears fall. “It’s so hard, Rhodey. It’s so fucking hard without you. I know that you said that I should keep living if anything ever happened to you, but,” she choked, “it really hadn’t felt like living without you here. Do you realize how hard last week was? How hard it was to pass our anniversary without you? It’s not fucking fair, Rhodey. It’s not fucking fair at all.”

There was a pause as she sniffled and the wind started picking up. The crisp autumn breeze caught a couple leaves that skittered across the graves of the fallen heroes.

Toni laughed.

“I know, I know! You always were the reasonable one.” She paused. “You would have loved him. I know you two would have been best friends. I promise I will never forget about you or replace you, sweetheart, but I think I found a reason to keep living on without you.”

They stood there in silence for awhile. Steve let Toni cry. He saluted again as they left. Then, as they walked back toward the car, Steve intertwined his fingers with hers. 

Maybe everyone needs hope.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
